Portland City Council Names Tofu as Official Mascot

The Portland City Council voted Wednesday to designate a block of tofu as the city’s official mascot. The six-person vote—which lasted nearly four hours thanks to the fact that it was free-play night at Ground Kontrol Classic Arcade—turned into a heated debate when Mayor Charlie Hales exercised his veto power regarding the type of soybean product best suited to represent the Rose City. “Look,” Hales said, “I like Commissioner (Amanda) Fritz, but if she thinks we’re using soft tofu to promote Portland, then maybe she’s representing the wrong city. It’s like I’ve told my children Moon, Smile, and Paul—in this house, and this city, it’s extra firm or GTFO.” To further complicate the matter, a noticeably shaken Commissioner Nick Fish slammed his fist into the oversized Pac-Man game every time Hales and Fritz argued. “We could have solved this issue months ago had they gone with my idea,” Fritz said, “which was to use nutritional yeast, but we couldn’t figure out how to design the costume in a way that would look like nooch. But now that there’s a worldwide shortage, it appears as if we’re going with tofu. I don’t mind, though, because the last thing we need is 12,000 LA transplants emailing us to ask what our mascot is supposed to be.” In the lone dissenting vote, Auditor Mary Hull Caballero felt so strongly that tofu should not be the city’s mascot that she left her can of 16-ounce Pabst Blue Ribbon above the NBA Jam console without finishing it. “I prefer seitan,” she said. Portland is often touted as the most vegan-friendly city in the world, which Hales said explains the new mascot.

#AprilFools!