Forget New Year’s Eve and Flag Day—Halloween is where it’s at. With the ability to dress any way you’d like, see the smiles on children’s faces when you give them a bag of Swedish Fish (they’re vegan!), and watch The Munsters all day long, how could it not be?
That said, the best part of All Hallow’s Eve is how we can scare the bejesus out of friends, family, and strangers and not get punched. In fact, it’s actually encouraged! Unfortunately, everyday is Halloween for vegans thanks to frightening things that don’t even register with the average person. We’re talking meat departments at grocery stores, SeaWorld, the never-ending “but how do you get your protein?” question, and losing sleep over why Beyoncé won’t go vegan.
With that in mind, we’ve come up with 10 scary costume ideas only vegans will understand.
1. Bacon-loving hipster
Handlebar moustache? Check. Rolled up, tight jeans? Check. Ironic tattoo you’ll get covered when you go back to school for a business degree? Check. White V-neck? Check. Suspenders? Check. Belief that living in Williamsburg, Silver Lake, or San Francisco isn’t what it used to be even though you’ve been there only five years? Check. Moronic attitude that somehow bacon makes your espadrilles look cooler? Wrong.
2. Uncertain waiter/waitress
Wear a nametag and a collared shirt, pass out menus, and be the most accommodating person imaginable. Smile, and look people in the eyes. Give crayons to small children. Ask how everyone’s doing tonight. Basically, earn everyone’s trust. Then, when someone asks if there’s dairy in the veggie burger or chicken stock in the soup, shake your head no while giving them a look that says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
3. Broken Vitamix
Vegans LOVE their Vitamix blenders. Never is this more true than when they break (due to overuse, of course!), which means a whole lot of tears is all you need to dress as a broken Vitamix this Halloween because once that smoothie-making life-saver needs to be sent out for repair—which can take a few weeks—you’ll be doing A LOT of crying.
4. Empty bottle of sriracha
On second thought, maybe this one’s too scary.
5. Brown avocado
Get a green bed sheet, and cut arm holes into it. Once this is finished, paint a large, circular brown pit where your stomach is. Then, to add the scare factor, glue brown sand across random portions of the sheet. You see those people screaming, sweating, running away from you, and/or fainting? Those are the vegans at the party.
6. Non-vegan date
This one’s tricky because it requires near-perfection. Still, it can be done. Basically, think of your ideal mate. You’ll have to consider height, hair color/style, does he/she wear glasses, tattoos or no tattoos, on a scale of one to 10, how much does he/she love the Misfits … those sorts of things. When you can picture the man/woman of your dreams—the person for whom you’ve been longing for oh so many lonely nights—talk about how much you love animals. Go on and on about cows and dogs and cats and pigs and how you once had a goat named Harvey when you were a child. Then order a plate of shrimp tacos with a side of cheese fries and a milkshake.
7. United States Food and Drug Administration
Remember when the FDA was in the back pocket of the mayonnaise industry and tried to shut down Hampton Creek’s Just Mayo because the vegan product perfectly mimics its traditional counterpart? And remember when those emails from lobbyists were leaked and someone threatened to send some “friends” from Brooklyn to take care of Hampton Creek CEO Josh Tetrick? I don’t know how you’d dress as all that, but if you did, you’d certainly be the scariest person in America.
8. Forgetful uncle
Dad bods are so last summer. Instead, this fall, go with “uncle memory.” You’ll need white Court Classic sneakers and a polo shirt tucked into a pair of Levi’s. Once you’ve got the look down, all you need to complete the costume is to ask every vegan if he or she wants a chicken wing. When said vegan reminds you that he or she hasn’t eaten meat in more than a decade, that’s your cue to ask if they want turkey instead. When he or she walks away in a huff, you say, “More for me.” Then, erase this pertinent information from your mind, and do it all over again at Thanksgiving and Christmas!
What? Dressing as three quarters and a nickel doesn’t sound scary to you? Then consider this: Eighty cents is the average upcharge for non-dairy milks at coffeehouses around the country. While 20¢ less than a dollar might not sound all that frightening, if you were to buy coffee five days a week, that comes out to $4. Keep doing the math and on a yearly basis, that’s … well, a lot of money!
10. Internet troll
Read only headlines, make sweeping generalizations and baseless comments about how much humans just absolutely need to eat meat, and never properly spell the word “definitely.” Then, once you get to a party, be the most difficult person there. If someone asks if you’d like a drink, tell them, “You asked me wrong.” When an old friend stops by to say “hello,” reply with, “I could have said ‘hello’ better.” But, remember, you couldn’t have said “hello” better. In fact, you’ve never even tried to say “hello” to anyone. That’s what makes you an internet troll!
Ryan Ritchie is the VegNews.com Features Editor.
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