2012: The Year in Preview

Welcome to 2012, year one of post-vegan acceptance. After all the hoopla and progress we kale-eating peeps made in the last 12 months, what’s left? Glad you asked. Read a bit further, where I go out on a limb, risking my reputation and fortune, in VegNews’ (first) annual plant-based prognostication of the coming solar circular.

Sh*t Vegans Say
After the viral success of his hilarious YouTube video “Sh*t Vegans Say,” A Scent of Scandal’s Ari Solomon will create a sequel, “More Sh*t Vegans Say.” I’m off to a good start …

The New New Farm Bill
Facing increasingly dismal approval ratings, the US Congress abolishes the heavily meat- and dairy-laden Farm Bill and sends billions of dollars to Gardein and Daiya. (Ssshhh, don’t tell Washington that both are Canadian companies.)

Rory Who?
Have you noticed the trend? Difficult as it is to believe, someone will write a vegan book or cookbook in 2012 for which Skinny Bitch Rory Freedman will not pen the foreword. Sad, I know.

Michael Phelps Phlips
At the Summer Olympics in London, Michael Phelps’ bong-enhanced, 12,000-calorie-a-day regimen derails his attempt at another gazillion gold medals when former triathlete Rip Esselstyn emerges from retirement and out-paddles Phelps with nothing but his plant-strong diet. And a Speedo.

Kale-dashian
After reading about being told of the amazing heath benefits of the dark green leafy vegetable, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian attempt a “kale only” diet and miraculously transform into productive citizens.

Not Dick Cheney!
Inspired by Bill Clinton’s weight loss, increased energy, and healthy heart, former VP Dick Cheney goes meat-free, turns liberal, and campaigns for Barack Obama’s re-election. 

Factory Farms Abolished
Citizens in all 50 states, even those like New York that don’t allow state-wide ballot initiatives, will vote to abolish all forms of factory farming. Welfarists and abolitionists will shake hands.

Julia Child Rolls Over
With a plethora of delicious publishing in the first few months of 2012, including Carolyn Scott-Hamilton’s The Healthy Voyager’s Global Kitchen, Bryant Terry’s The Inspired Vegan, Chloe Coscarelli’s Chloe’s Kitchen, and Dreena Burton’s Let Them Eat Vegan!, non-vegan cookbooks will cease to be published this year.

Move Over Sugar
Dr. Joel Fuhrman misreads “Nutrilicious” as “nutritarian” and inadvertently eats a vegan doughnut.

Barack Obama Re-elected; Admits He’s Vegan
November 6, 2012: Barack Obama is reelected president, and, in his acceptance speech, thanks Dick Cheney “for his tireless efforts in securing us four more years and teaching me about the vegan diet.” With Hillary as the new VP, Dick is named Secretary of State … proving the Mayans were right all along.