Back in the ‘90s, if you wanted to be someone’s lover, you had to get with her friends. But thanks to the internet, you can forget a girl’s friends because it’s all about her ethics. And because online dating is now the main method for singles to mingle, it’s important to know how to talk to a vegan girl in a way that she’ll want to respond. Because, let’s face it, the internet is a sea with more fish than the climate-changed ocean can currently sustain, and if you’re looking for that compassionate vegan gem who moonlights as a vegetable-cooking goddess, you’re definitely not piquing her interest with pictures of your big tuna catch from last summer or unnecessary profile references to bacon.
I’ve been swimming in the sea of online dating for five years and through my research, I’ve found these six surefire tips to woo the vegan girl of your dreams.
Tip #1: Consider your relationship with bacon
If given the opportunity to name only six things you can’t do without—stuff like air and water—does bacon really deserve that precious real estate on your dating profile? Or is it there because of some assumed manliness you think you convey by making your bacon club membership public? Well, here’s a now-officially documented secret: processed meat causes cancer, and your choice to beat up your body with bacon is far from sexy.
Tip #2: Don’t be “vegetarian, mostly”
In your personal details, listing your diet as vegetarian gets you 10 cool points more than anybody else we’re messaging (except for vegans, who get 10+infinity). We will read your profile from top to bottom, all the minutia about your favorite books listed in order of page count, the one-hit wonder bands nobody ever cared about, and how you love to travel to obscure places in search of enlightenment or tacos or whatever. But do not let us find the word “sushi” anywhere because fish is meat. Period.
Tip #3: Delete all fishing pics
Aside from your machismo uncle, you’re impressing no one with that fish carcass you’re holding so proudly in your profile picture. We don’t care how big it is, and we don’t care that you fought with it (rather, it fought for its life with you) for an hour before reeling it in. Instead, put up a picture of you massaging kale if you really want to get our juices flowing.
Tip #4: Don’t ask if she cheats
Genuine interest in veganism is really nice. Ask about what cuisines your dream veg girl likes or which are her favorite local restaurants and bars. Even getting into deeper issues such as why honey isn’t vegan or what in the world is nutritional yeast—why does it have to sound so gross?—are the makings of a great conversation. But if you ever pose the “when you’re drunk, do you cheat on your diet?” question, expect to be refreshing that inbox from now until forever.
Tip #5: Don’t ask her to an aquarium
If you’ve gotten to a fifth message, and it’s time to take the conversation into the real world, do not think that we love the aquarium because we love animals. We’re the kind of animal-lovers that don’t like to see them confined and exploited for entertainment. Have you seen Blackfish? SeaWorld’s a no-go no matter what. The same goes for the zoos. Frankly, if they’re in a tank/cage/box, we’re not into it.
Tip #6: Be direct
Assuming we’re averse to having a serious conversation is a big fallacy—we watch videos of animal slaughter, remember? We’ve made the choice to be vegan because we have strong convictions, and the best conversation involves challenging topics regarding our broken food systems, our dying environment, and the politics around consumerism. That said, where we get our protein? You can check that conversation at the door.
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