These (Fictional) Vegan Headlines Will Make You Smile

Every year, the VegNews team looks forward to April Fools. Weeks prior, we brainstorm phony titles and have a few too many laughs crafting the perfect headlines to raise eyebrows on this playful prank day. Given uncertain times, we decided to skip this tradition, as the last thing any of us need is added confusion and misinformation—even in a feel-good, joking way. However, we wanted to share with you the little laughs we had over our brainstorming sessions this year, and we hope they provide a bit of lightness to your day. Fingers crossed that these headlines actually become true in the future. Here are seven fictional vegan stories to put a smile on your face. 

1. Oatly Becomes the Official Milk of Sweden
The Swedish government made the official decree last Wednesday to honor the humble company for its success both at home and across the rest of the world. It goes without saying, but there will no longer be a charge for oat milk in Sweden, setting a precedent for other countries to follow suit.

2. New Disney Movie Features Vegan Princess
Coming on the heels of Disney’s addition of more plant-based fare (Impossible burgers, here we come!) to its theme park menus, a highly anticipated 2021 film will take place in a mythical farmland-based country and feature songs by Billie Eilish and Miley Cyrus. The princess, Tofutiella, will be voiced by Natalie Portman.

3. Vegan Pig ‘Rotini’ Receives Honorary Degree from Harvard University
Upon getting a perfect score on his SAT and submitting an impressively creative and insightful senior thesis, this one-and-a-half-year-old mini pig was honored with a BA in Humanitarian Studies. His parents say he plans to enroll in a Ph.D. program at Oxford next fall.

4. Florida Man Accidentally Makes Vegan Blue Cheese in Basement
Steve McAllister, 47, left a jar of cashews in his swampy basement a year ago and discovered a deliciously edible surprise last week after cleaning out his storage. Basement Bleu is now available for pre-order for 2021.

5. San Francisco Startup Raises $500 Million to Make Tofu Spheres
The $500 million in funding will go toward developing high-tech machinery that squeezes blocks of tofu into triangles, stretches them into stars, shapes them back into triangles, and then compresses them into two perfect spheres. Are tofu spheres easier to cook than regular tofu? Nope, and they taste the same and take twice as long to drain.

6. Vegan Woman Runs Across Country, Then Runs Back
Not to be outdone by Robbie Balenger—the vegan who ran from California to New York in 75 days—Joanna “Jo” Ger ran across America then decided to run back. “I think I forgot to defrost my Beyond Beef,” Ger told VegNews.

7. Paparazzi Catches Arby’s CEO Eating Impossible Burger
Reported first by TMZ, Paul Brown was caught grilling Impossible Burgers in the backyard of his Atlanta, GA home at 3am last Sunday morning. A reporter also discovered an empty package of Follow Your Heart cheese slices in his trash can.

Tanya Flink is a Digital Editor at VegNews as well as a writer and runner living in Orange County, CA.