6 Valentine’s Day Gifts for that Vegan Curmudgeon in Your Life

Buy me D3 gummies, fancy moisturizer, and a ticket to see the Misfits, and I’ll be your Valentine.

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I was going to write a story about all of the ways in which I’m yet again so alone for Valentine’s Day, but then it hit me—I don’t mind being single. In fact, who doesn’t love having absolutely nothing to do every Friday and Saturday night while the rest of the world makes reservations for two? And sharing a bed with someone you love—that person who makes you feel all special when you roll over and the front of your thigh accidentally touches the back of theirs? Who needs that? Not me, which is why I won’t be sad this February 14. Instead, I plan on ordering Veggie Grill while watching The Sopranos and having a grand ol’ time. Still, I’m sure my legions of fans can’t wait to show their love, affection, and appreciation for all I do. For those people, I’ve created a list of seven vegan items they can buy me for Valentine’s Day. You’re welcome.

1. A ticket to see the Misfits in New Jersey
Horror-punk band The Misfits have a show May 19 in New Jersey. What does this have to do with veganism, you say? Misfits guitarist Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein is rumored to be vegan. The May gig is the band’s fifth since reuniting last year. I was lucky enough to see the band in Las Vegas, but I was so drunk I don’t remember anything about the show. So help an old punker out, why don’tcha? One more thing: I live in California, so I’m also going to need airfare and a hotel room. Thanks!

2. Country Life Vegan D3 Gummies
Among the 14 other things wrong with my insides, recently I was told by my endocrinologist that I am low in vitamin D. If you’ve ever seen a picture of me, this should come as no surprise, as I am pastier than a vampire wearing white face paint on Halloween. My doctor prescribed me some pills, but I decided to buy Country Life Vegan D3 Gummies instead. Since being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes nearly four years ago, I’ve had to remove fruit from my diet, which, trust me, ain’t easy. I look forward to taking this gummy every morning because these low-sugar, low-carbohydrate treats give me a burst of fruity sweetness without spiking my glucose. I buy these from Whole Foods Market, but they’re a bit of out my price range, so someone buying me six bottles would really be doing me a solid.

3. The Minimalist Vegan: A Simple Manifesto On Why To Live With Less Stuff And More Compassion
I have a confession to make: I don’t read vegan books. That said, I can make an exception for The Minimalist Vegan because I am a minimalist and vegan, and anyone who combines those two ideas is all right by me. According to Amazon.com, this tome explores “the intersection of minimalism and veganism and all that each complimentary (sic) lifestyle has to offer.” Based on that sentence alone, I’m starting to wonder if maybe I should have written this book myself.

4. Louisville Vegan Jerky Co.
I see this stuff hanging on an endcap at my local Whole Foods, but I’ve never tried it. However, I’ve most certainly picked up Pete’s Smoked Black Pepper, stared long enough for people to think that I fell asleep standing up, and asked myself, “Would I like this?” I like pretty much anything vegan, but the idea of “real” jerky really gives me the creeps. So, before I spend money of something without knowing if I’ll enjoy it, how ‘bout someone buy it for me?

5. Coffee Scrub Soap
As of this writing, I’m like two days away from being out of soap. In fact, just last night my soap broke in half, and now I’m doing that awkward thing where I’m pretending like two halves of soap can work just as well as one solid bar. We all know that isn’t true, which is why I’m asking for this coffee-scrub soap from Elemental Lather. Made with caffeinated, organic, dark-roast coffee, this bar is also palm oil-free and packaged in either a recycled cardboard box or a compostable/biodegradable cellophane wrapper. Even better is the fact that I’ll smell like coffee wherever I go.

6. Sorella Blueberry Milk Moisturizer
I have a friend who works in the cosmetics industry, and recently she attended a trade show where she bought me this moisturizer. I knew nothing about it, but she said it was on her, so, naturally, I said okay. I’m sure glad I did because I’ve never put a product on my face that smells as good as this. I’m not joking when I say every morning I apply this moisturizer, I have to stop myself from licking the cream—it smells that good. And, with key ingredients such as blueberry juice, cogan grass, mulberry extract, and licorice root, maybe I’m not so far off in thinking this probably tastes as good as it smells.

Ryan Ritchie is the VegNews.com features editor who non-ironically enjoys long walks on the beach.