In years past, Valentine’s Day meant I’d throw on Adele, wrap myself in a leopard-printed Snuggie, and wallow in the loneliness of being a single vegan while everyone else was out re-enacting that spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp. This year, I’m drying my tears with thoughts of how much fun it is to have Valentine’s Day all to myself. No longer do I have to apologize for ordering from the sides menu at a fancy romantic restaurant, nor do I have to explain that you can’t say you love a dog while eating a lobster dinner. However, if you find me a single vegan man, this list will be null and void.
1. Letting my cat lady freak flag fly
Hey friends, there’s a lovely event going on at the San Francisco SPCA called “Lonely Hearts Valentine’s Adoption Party.” Every cat lady in the Bay Area is guaranteed to be there, along with food, wine, at least 10 angry, biting cats, and doe-eyed couples looking to adopt a new furry family member. While this event will ultimately remind me of how utterly alone I am—in addition to how adamant my landlord is about not allowing companion animals—I still wouldn’t dare bring an omnivore date here and be subjected to them talking about how cute the cats are while recapping their roasted chicken dinner from last night. Chickens purr like kittens, and there’s a video to prove it. I’d rather let my cat lady freak flag fly solo. Plus, more wine for me.
2. Eating all the Ben & Jerry’s
Last Valentine’s Day, the thought of eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s was a vegan nightmare … because a vegan Ben & Jerry’s ice cream flavor didn’t exist. However, Ben & Jerry’s just launched an all-vegan line, and I’m not talking about one sad vanilla flavor. This is four outrageous flavors—namely, P B and Cookies, Coffee Caramel Fudge, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and the iconic Chunky Monkey. You think I’m sharing this gluttonous gift from the vegan gods with some unappreciative omnivore this Valentine’s Day? Never!
3. Watching tearjerkers, mascara runs be damned
I grew up in Los Angeles, where leaving the house—even to go the grocery store—meant spending an hour in the mirror applying more makeup than I’ve worn the entire year I’ve lived in San Francisco. As such, for Valentine’s Day I’m used to going full glam even if I only intend to impress myself. I can’t think of a better way to celebrate love day than to watch a compassionate documentary. Some of my favorite movies include Cowspiracy, Forks Over Knives, and Food, Inc., but (and I’m hesitant to admit it) I have never seen Earthlings, and I know that when I’m on the couch, crying my mascara into racoon patterns on my face, with the four pints of aforementioned Ben & Jerry’s in hand, I’d like to be unapologetically alone.
4. Never having to say I’m sorry
Dining out and Valentine’s Day go together like pre-packaged costumes and Halloween, but my chances of nailing an all-vegan dinner are much slimmer, especially with an omnivore as my plus one. Likely, my imaginary meat-loving lover and I would end up at a place where my dessert options would be limited to that Swedish fish from 2010 still holding on to real estate at the bottom of my purse. Being single means hitting a vegan restaurant (looking at you Citizen Fox), sitting at the bar, and blindly picking bites and drinks off the menu until my heart’s content. Sorry, not sorry.
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